(Warning: this post contains sensitive material
and may be hard to read for someone who has experienced the loss of a baby)
A few weeks ago, I announced on the blog that my husband and I were expecting our first baby (the post has been removed now; read on to understand why). Last Thursday we had our first ultrasound, and what was supposed to be an exciting time to see the baby and hear the heartbeat, turned into my worst nightmare. The baby stopped growing at 5 weeks, even though I was supposed to be almost 9 weeks along. My body hadn’t realized that the baby had died, and kept “pretending” to be pregnant as though everything was still okay. On Friday I got my blood test results that confirmed that I did indeed have what’s called a “missed miscarriage,” which just means that at some point in-utero the baby dies but the body doesn’t realize it and doesn’t initiate a miscarriage. After I received that phone call, I kept telling my body “it’s okay to let go.” That night, I had a natural miscarriage. Although painful physically and emotionally, it was also very quick and very peaceful. Our baby is in heaven now, and I’ve slowly begun to heal.
My husband and I are devastated beyond words. Suddenly our surprise pregnancy that we became so excited about has now turned into a surprise loss. I never knew I could love someone so much that I never even met, who was only in my life for a short amount of time. I don’t regret announcing to the world about this pregnancy, because we were able to celebrate the joy of this precious life, even if it was so brief.
Although it is hard to share our loss so publicly now, I also don’t regret that either. I have had so many private messages from women who have lost babies, but miscarriage tends to be a very private and hush-hush topic. I understand that the loss of a baby is so very painful, but for me, I think it also makes it harder when no one talks about it. I am hoping that by sharing my story I can help someone else who is going through the same thing. I am a mother now, even though my baby is in heaven. I am proud of that precious little baby that my husband and I created together. Our baby was so very loved, and we were grateful to be mommy and daddy for our baby’s short little life. Being public about a miscarriage is not for everyone, but for me, I feel like this is part of my grieving process.
Over the next few weeks and months, I have decided to go through a special crochet project that I’m calling “The Healing Project.” When my sister died 4 years ago, it helped me to sort through my thoughts and emotions by working on knit and crochet projects. I’ll be writing from time to time about my progress on the blanket and a bit about my emotional healing.
As you can see from the above picture, I’m crocheting a chevron blanket in gray, white, and two shades of dark blue. These are all yarns I have had in my stash for a long time now, so it feels good to be making them into something useful. I decided to use single crochet, because it is a slow stitch and can sometimes take a long time to show progress. This blanket will be big enough that my husband and I can cuddle under it together this winter. I like the idea of making something that will bring comfort to both of us.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers through this time as we continue to grieve and to heal.