The Healing Project: Weeks 3 & 4

The past two weeks have been pretty busy, so it’s time to catch up on my progress. I worked on the blanket a lot during Week 3, which included several big things: 1) my husband and I celebrated one year of being together as a couple, 2) we got official confirmation of my husband’s new teaching job, and 3) we went on a weekend getaway to Flagstaff. We had been wanting to go up north all summer, but between the surprise pregnancy and then the unexpected miscarriage, our plans kept changing. After we lost the baby, we decided that as soon as I felt physically up for the trip, we would go. It was nice to get out of town, hang out with great friends, and just spend lots of time talking with each other during the long car ride up and back. One of the great things to come out of the sadness lately is that the communication between my husband and I has grown and deepened. We’ve been able to talk in a way that we never have before, which we have found to be essential in helping each other grieve during this time. It’s nice to know that we are not alone; we have each other. Sometimes it’s hard to continue to talk, but it’s necessary to help maintain our relationship and move forward toward the future.

This past week I’ve had less time to work on my blanket, as I’ve been working more on knitting up mittens for Christmas gifts (posts to come later about them), as well as finishing up my part time job. I have 3 more days left, and then I will be staying home full-time again. I’m relieved to have this opportunity, and I’m looking forward to being able to focus on domestic tasks and my fiber arts for awhile. For some reason, being at work since the loss has made me feel like a zombie, like I’m just going through the motions to get the tasks done, and I don’t like to be that way. I’m ready to have some time to work through everything that has happened by being productive in more creative and self-directed endeavors. I am grateful for the job this summer, but it’s time to move on.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the progress on the blanket as I’m crocheting, but then I step back to look at the weekly pictures and realize just how much it has grown in the last 30 days. I am so glad I decided to start this project, because it mimics my grieving process. Some days I come undone by the sight of 5 pregnant women within 30 minutes at one restaurant (true story), and other days I feel as though more than a month has passed and it’s hard to believe that the miscarriage even happened at all. It feels as though some days, time speeds up, some days, time slows down, and some days, time comes to a dead stop; only someone who has experienced loss and the grieving process can understand what I mean. But still I keep going forward, just as the stitches keep building on the blanket one at a time, one day at a time.