Another project I’ve started is a shawl for myself. The pattern is my own design, Anna’s Shawl, that I created for a friend two years ago when she was dealing with her own miscarriage. For some reason at the time, I felt such sorrow for my friend that I wanted to show her some comfort in the best way I knew how: by making a handmade gift. I had no idea that I would now be facing the same thing that she had to go through, that so many women end up having to go through. This design has been my most popular one, with over 86 projects on Ravelry, many of which are made as prayer shawls for other women facing hard times. Whenever I think about this pattern, it reminds me that something beautiful can come out of something terrible. It reminds me that I am not alone in my suffering, that so many other people need comfort too.
The blanket is still slowly growing, getting big enough now that it can’t fit into the whole frame when I take a picture. And that’s how I feel right now too; there are a lot of emotions I’m dealing with privately that can’t be seen in the whole frame. I think that’s true of anything that you write about or blog about or post on social network–there’s so much more going on than what you see in the frame. I could never express all that I’ve felt in the last 5 weeks: fear, anxiety, sorrow, happiness, anger, hope, hopelessness, fatigue, energy, loss of innocence, and the list goes on. The only way right now that I’m able to face each of these emotions as they come is to keep writing, to keep crocheting stitch by stitch, and to keep living, day by day.
This week was my first full week of being a stay at home wife. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for a long time, and now that it is here, there is a part of me that feels weird. Weird because I know there is still something missing: my baby. I should have been past the first trimester by now and my days would have been spent preparing for baby. Instead, I’m spending a lot of time organizing, sifting through items, donating, selling, and overall trying to declutter our life before we move again soon. I’m filling my time with lots of projects and tasks to help distract myself from fixating too much on what happened and what might happen in the future. Each day I’m trying to just focus on the present, to live in this day that God has given me, because I know how quickly it can end.