Today is October 1st, and for a lot of people, it symbolizes a new season, better weather and pretty scenery, great activities and foods, new yarns and patterns, sweater knitting and Christmas gift crafting, as well as the approach of the holidays. In years past, October would hold no other significance to me than these things as well, but this year is different. This year I know what it means to lose my baby, so now I know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
It’s been over 3 months since my miscarriage, and although things are better, not a day passes that I don’t think about my baby. I often wonder how far along I would be now, what I would be doing to prepare for birth and our baby’s arrival, and all the other things that come with pregnancy and a new child. But instead I have been filling my days with other things, and I still feel sad about that. I always knew it would be hard to go through a miscarriage, but that didn’t prepare me for when I would actually go through one. A loss is a loss, and losing my baby has hurt me deeply.
About 2 weeks ago I finished The Healing Project blanket. It felt good to be done, as though I had finished the roughest chapter of my loss and now I am ready to move on to the next one. I won’t ever forget or be able to replace my first child, but my fear of losing another one is outweighed by my desire to have a baby in my arms, and I am hopeful that I will hold my own baby someday. But for now, I remember my first baby as it starts getting cold enough to cuddle under this blanket I made as a way to process my grief.
October 15th is the International Day of Remembrance, in which people around the world light a candle at 7 PM in their time zone for one hour, with the idea that a candle will be constantly lit for the entire day to remember the lost babies. I already have my candle ready, and I invite everyone else to do the same, whether you have lost a baby or not as a way to remember.
Now that the blanket is finished, this will be my last post in this series. But just because I may not talk about my miscarriage on my blog, doesn’t mean I have forgotten. I will always remember. Thank you for reading this series as I shared a glimpse into my grief.